Member-only story
I can’t blame my mental health issues on alcohol anymore.
It was in me all along.
When I was drinking, I was a hot mess. I was having so many days and nights obsessing over feelings and ideas that felt like they weren’t really there. I would worry about anything and everything, most especially if people liked me or if I had a purpose.
There would be parties where I already had pre-gamed because I didn’t want anyone to see how much I had already had to drink. I didn’t want to be nervous and just stand in the corner while everyone talked and danced.
I couldn’t deal with the silences between events where my thoughts would start to move in so I would drink before cooking or even before cleaning. Instead of letting my mind wander, I’d distract it with shots of vodka or cans of beer.
It took a stressful time in my relationship to make me aware that if I kept going like this, I would lose them. It was enough to turn my sober curious thoughts into a reality and so I gave up drinking the same day I had woken up after getting so drunk I blacked out.
The first week or so of giving up alcohol, I did get an increase in motivation and in happiness. I thought I had found my cure for the otherwise crippling anxiety and depression I had. Working out was easier to do, I was even starting to write more. The increased…
